Respond with Love, not Fear

By Phoebe Farag Mikhail

After contemplating my evening with my toddler and deciding he was having too much screen time this winter, I resolved to try to take him for a walk with me in the morning, to connect with him and enjoy some much needed fresh air.

And then I got the phone call. A young woman from my church congregation was hit by a car while crossing the street, and instantly killed.

After some time weeping from the shock, and then mourning for her and her family’s pain, my gut reaction, of course, was to look at my sound asleep children and vow to never let them out of the house again. 

Fear characterized my response, and I knew right away it was wrong. It brought to memory my husband’s words to me, when he saw me curled up on our sofa in tears after hearing the news of the Newtown massacre.

“Phoebe, what were their parents going to do – not send them to school?”

Their parents sent their children to school because they loved them. They wanted their children to learn and to grow and to make new friends. And most of the parents in Newtown, Connecticut (and most other places in the world) will continue to send their children to school, despite their fears, because they love them*.

This young woman’s family needs all the prayer and support we can muster. If I love them I will do what I can, and I will not avoid them out of fear of my own emotions. I need to respond to them with love, not fear.

My son needs to take walks with me, to talk and use his expanding vocabulary, to smell the fresh air, observe the world, and exercise.  If I love my son I will do these things for him out of love. I need to respond to him with love, not fear.

With an aching heart I pray for this young woman’s family and friends and offer them the comfort that I can. With a trembling heart I acknowledge that yes, such a tragedy could strike any one of my children, and no, I cannot control it. With a loving heart I try to let go of my fears and do the things that will help my children flourish, despite all the scary possibilities connected to the simple act of crossing the street, or going to school. 

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." I John 4:18 (NKJV)

* Some parents may have decided to home school their children, and, knowing the sacrifices they must make to do so, are also responding out of love.  Very few parents are simply preventing their children all contact with the world – that would be a response of fear.

Turning Anger into Action - More Ideas

By Phoebe Farag Mikhail
December 21, 2012

When I shared my first blog post at a different address, I got two wonderful comments with more ideas on turning anger into action in the wake of the Sandy Hook tragedy. Heba, who blogs at My Life in a Pyramid and who is one of the first bloggers I've followed, wrote:

I agree that isolation is one of the root causes of many societal ailments, and finding a way to engage can go a long way in maintaining a sense of community, protecting our mental health, and alerting one another of danger. I like the action points you mentioned, and I would add to that also getting to know the parents of kids that are befriending your kids. I don't have kids yet, but I'd like to know more about the families that my kids would befriend because that says a lot about their kids and how they will behave. In any case, I think it's crucial to try to rely on God because otherwise one can drive himself/herself mad with worry that doesn't necessarily lead to more protection.

I definitely plan to do the same as well: befriend my kid's friends and rely on God.

Fr. Bishoy, who blogs at I Am He, and who inspired me to start my own blog, wrote: 

Listening to your family, I am sure if any child found ears to what s/he facing, we would bring people who know how to communicate even if they are sick mentally. How many of our children listen now to their friends as no space for listening inside their families.

He is right. It's especially important to establish a listening relationship with our children, especially when they are young, and even when what they have to say seems small, unimportant, or even imaginary. All of it is important in their eyes. Listening to young children now establishes their trust in their parents, and means they are more likely to continue to share with their parents as they get older.

If you are not a parent, being a listening ear for a child in your life is still very important. Jared Diamod writes about the important role of "allo-parents" in an excerpt from his book published in Newsweek this week, "Best Practices for Raising Kids? Look to Hunter Gatherers." "Allo-parents" are individuals who are not parents, but play some care-giving role in a child's life. Their role is more dominant in what he calls "small societies," but are still important in industrial societies where immediate parents are the most dominant care-givers:

I have heard many anecdotal stories, among my own friends, of children who were raised by difficult parents but who nevertheless became socially and cognitively competent adults, and who told me that what had saved their sanity was regular contact with a supportive adult other than their parents, even if that adult was just a piano teacher whom they saw once a week for a piano lesson.

I see this all as a part of the process of ending isolation that I wrote about in my first post.


Listen, Learn, Act and Reflect by Phoebe Farag Mikhail is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Turning Anger into Action

By Phoebe Farag Mikhail

December 16, 2012

I hung up my phone in a huff, justifiably angry.

The bank that holds my mortgage charged extra fees to my account incorrectly, and I had already spoken to them to fix that – a month ago.  Today, I checked my credit score, and discovered that the late payment and associated fees that were supposed to be waived had now appeared on my credit report – a huge blow to my credit score, and an added setback to my family’s financial plans. I called the bank and left two angry voice mails, since it was Sunday.

I did this holding my 8 month old baby girl in my arms.

Still vexed about this issue, I took the baby with me as I searched for her pajamas – it was time for bed. I found them by her crib, and while reaching to grab them, she laughed. I relaxed and cuddled her a bit. As I cuddled her I reminded myself to make sure my reactions towards her are not related to my anxiety about something that has nothing to do with her. To relax, I started mentally listing the actions I could take to resolve the credit score problem as I put her in her pajamas and cuddled her some more.

I also reminded myself that there are 20 parents in Connecticut right now who want to be able to cuddle their babies, and yet they cannot.

All of us are mourning with them, all of us are praying for them, but many of us are also angry. Angry about the factors that led to these senseless deaths of innocent young children and their teachers in Sandy Hook Elementary School. Angry that someone, anyone, could do something like this.  Angry that this person had the tools to do something like this.

Many of us are using this anger to try and bring about change. Some (including me) have started or signed petitions about gun control like this petition from MomsRising . And while a few people will go a step further, most of our action on this issue will probably stop at those signatures.

How can we go beyond signing petitions? How else can we turn our anger into action? After some reflection, I believe the most important action everyone can and should take is to end isolation. A couple of recent blog posts about the Sandy Hook events have been shared on social networks (“I am Adam Lanza’s Mother” and “Plea from the Scariest Kid on the Block,” for example), and they are all touch upon isolation: the isolation of being the parent of a mentally ill child, the isolation of having mental illness, of being abused, of being bullied … And so, to end isolation, here are two things I plan to do:

1-      I plan to get to know my neighbors. My next door neighbors – some that I talk to, some that I don’t. Perhaps I’ll bake them cookies and leave a note saying “hello” to break the ice. Why? Because these are people who are not on my Facebook and Twitter echo chambers. They are people who might not think like me or act like me, but who might notice and say something if, say, my house was on fire, or one of my young children ran out into the street unattended. They might notice if I suddenly started stockpiling weapons and notify the police and/or mental health services. And they are people for whom I would do the same.

2-      I plan to re-commit myself to my faith community. I will pick up the phone and call people who are often isolated: new mothers, caregivers of elderly parents, parents of special needs children, new immigrants. I’ll even ask about the mental health professionals in my congregation, who need support just like the rest of us (see “I am Adam Lanza’s Psychiatrist”).

What are other ideas you have for ending isolation? Please share them in the comments below.

Listen, Learn, Act and Reflect by Phoebe Farag Mikhail is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.