Baking, Giving and Learning with Kids

By Phoebe Farag Mikhail

We had new neighbors, and I wanted to welcome them with homemade cookies. But I was also having a carpal tunnel syndrome flare up, and could not stir batter without my hands going numb.

A week later and a four-toddler play date, and I had a big box of cookies to give, plus plenty to nibble on at home, too. Baking with my kids is becoming my new favorite pastime.

The last time I baked so many cookies, it was last Christmas, and I made a batch for everyone on our block. My toddler came with me to distribute them, permanently associating baking cookies with giving gifts. So there was very little protest when I removed over half of the cookies he (and three other toddlers) had creamed, mixed, and folded into a box to give away to the neighbors. They were not just giving away their sweets, they were giving away their time and effort – and they were ok with that.

There are other benefits to baking with kids. They can learn so much through baking – reading, counting, fractions, telling time – and even science lessons about how cakes rise and why eggs (or fruit) keep cookies together. 

But when one of our elderly neighbors said hello to my son, and he asked me later if we could bake cookies to give to her, I knew the lesson in giving was the most important one he got from baking together. 

Baking with my toddler has lessons for me, too—lessons that can be applied not just to parents, but also to teamwork and organizations. Toddlers stirring sugar and flour and butter and cocoa and eggs will spill some of it. They will lick their raw egg batter covered fingers. They will dump all the buttermilk into the flour mixture instead of alternating between the two. They will create cookies shaped like trapezoids and blobs. Here are the lessons I have learned from this:

1- Patience, flexibility, and forgiveness. It took me longer to bake when my helpers were much smaller than me and needed step by step instructions. Yelling at them when they spill some flour or lick the batter took away from the fun of the process and risked losing them as kitchen helpers in the future. Besides, I’ve spilled stuff too while baking – so let me take the "plank" out of my own eye first!

My son stirring batter. (c) Phoebe Farag Mikhail, 2013

2- There is a cost to not including the kids – they will need attention anyway, so if I did all the baking myself, I would have been constantly interrupted by their needs and demands, and spent the time fighting them off instead of working together. 

3- The perfect is the enemy of the good. What is perfect, anyway? Cookies shaped like blobs taste just as good as perfectly round cookies. Who cares? My neighbors loved the cookies, and it turned out they had a little boy my son's age, who was so excited to eat cookies made in part by his toddler neighbor.

On our next rainy or snowy day, I’m baking these cookies with my toddler.

What have you learned from doing things with children lately?

Out with the New, In with the Old (A post in honor of Father’s Day)

By Phoebe Farag Mikhail

I wonder if I’m the only one that found it difficult, until fairly recently, to truly respect and learn from my elders – in all different walks of life. Perhaps it’s being a first generation immigrant and having to play some adult roles for my parents at a younger age, since I was more fluently able to communicate to the outside world in English than they were, that caused me to be dismissive of what I could learn from them, and others, older than me.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/scottiet812/3866317034/

Lately, however, I’ve been learning to listen more, learning to observe more, and learning to reflect on the examples, not just of my parents, but other elders in my life. I attribute this change to watching my toddler insist on verifying different facts for himself, rather than trusting me when I tell him there are really no more chocolate chip cookies, I really did eat them all; or when I tell him that if he rides his tricycle in the rain, he will get wet. My toddler wants to learn everything the hard way – through experience. And as Chinese philosopher Confucius (551-479 BC) said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest, and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” In many ways, I have been living life a lot like my toddler, gaining wisdom, sometimes bitterly, through experience.

There’s a timeless story about the follies of not learning from your elders in the Bible. The biblical nation of Israel had its most glorious days under its kings David and Solomon. The famous King Solomon, who was known for his wisdom, died, and when his son Rehoboam succeeded him, the Israelites gathered before him with a request: “Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labor and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you.” (I Kings 12:4). Rehoboam took three days to consider the request, first asking the advice of his elders who had served his father Solomon, then asking the advice of his friends.

The elders advised, in wisdom now oft-repeated in leadership literature, “If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants.” (12:7).

His friends advised, “These people have said to you, ‘Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but make our yoke lighter.’ Now tell them, ‘My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. 11 My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.’” (12:10).

Rehoboam took his friends’ advice and returned to the Israelites with these words. The Israelites then rebelled against him and took another person as their king, and the Rehoboam’s tribe (Judah) is the only one that remained loyal to him. Rehoboam’s failure to heed the advice of his elders caused the once glorious Israel to descend into civil war. (You can read the full story in I Kings 12:1-25).

One way I am trying to prevent myself from Rehoboam’s folly is to start writing down the things I am learning from my elders – my parents, my older relatives, my older family friends, and older colleagues and supervisors at work. I am also not just listening for words of advice, but waiting to learn from the wisdom of their actions before passing my own judgment on the decisions they make.

How are you learning from your elders? Please share in the comments below.

Respond with Love, not Fear

By Phoebe Farag Mikhail

After contemplating my evening with my toddler and deciding he was having too much screen time this winter, I resolved to try to take him for a walk with me in the morning, to connect with him and enjoy some much needed fresh air.

And then I got the phone call. A young woman from my church congregation was hit by a car while crossing the street, and instantly killed.

After some time weeping from the shock, and then mourning for her and her family’s pain, my gut reaction, of course, was to look at my sound asleep children and vow to never let them out of the house again. 

Fear characterized my response, and I knew right away it was wrong. It brought to memory my husband’s words to me, when he saw me curled up on our sofa in tears after hearing the news of the Newtown massacre.

“Phoebe, what were their parents going to do – not send them to school?”

Their parents sent their children to school because they loved them. They wanted their children to learn and to grow and to make new friends. And most of the parents in Newtown, Connecticut (and most other places in the world) will continue to send their children to school, despite their fears, because they love them*.

This young woman’s family needs all the prayer and support we can muster. If I love them I will do what I can, and I will not avoid them out of fear of my own emotions. I need to respond to them with love, not fear.

My son needs to take walks with me, to talk and use his expanding vocabulary, to smell the fresh air, observe the world, and exercise.  If I love my son I will do these things for him out of love. I need to respond to him with love, not fear.

With an aching heart I pray for this young woman’s family and friends and offer them the comfort that I can. With a trembling heart I acknowledge that yes, such a tragedy could strike any one of my children, and no, I cannot control it. With a loving heart I try to let go of my fears and do the things that will help my children flourish, despite all the scary possibilities connected to the simple act of crossing the street, or going to school. 

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." I John 4:18 (NKJV)

* Some parents may have decided to home school their children, and, knowing the sacrifices they must make to do so, are also responding out of love.  Very few parents are simply preventing their children all contact with the world – that would be a response of fear.

I'm Gonna Wash Your Mouth Out with Soap

What I've Been Reading (No. 2)

by Phoebe Farag Mikhail

By Boy's Life (Boys' Life - Apr 1937 - Page 38)

[Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

I'm talking about that bad word discipline again today, but this time, in the context of children. As I mentioned in a previous post about the topic, we often think of discipline as a bad word because, when it comes to children, it refers to how we deal with children when they misbehave. It brings up memories of the ways we were "disciplined" as children, and the ways we try to do differently (or the same) with ours.
I'm trying to think about discipline with my children a little differently. I've shared how I'm trying to link discipline with desire for myself. How do I do that with my children? Specifically,

1- How do I help my children desire good behavior?
2- How do I help my children develop the self-control they need to achieve their own goals in the future?

One helpful resource I have found for the first question is one of the best parenting books I have ever read, The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary Thomas and Ross Campbell. In it, they discuss what the five love languages are, how they specifically manifest themselves with children, and how parents can discover their child's love language. Numerous behavior problems can be preemptively solved when we learn how to show our children how much we love them.

I've seen my own children respond much better to me and my instructions to them when my husband and I intentionally show them love in their language. Once, when my son was giving me a hard time getting dressed and ready to go, his dad got on the phone with him and gave him a few words of affirmation, one of the five love languages. Within minutes my son had fully cooperated with me, and we were ready to go without frustration.

The book also has a chapter specifically about discipline and the love languages. I've read many parenting books, and The Five Love Languages of Children tops my must-read list. I refer to it again and again.*

Recent studies, like this one reported on NPR, are proving the importance of instilling self-control and self-discipline in children for their future success. Children that could demonstrate better self-control in childhood were more financially successful later in life and had fewer health problems.

Instilling self-control in my children seemed to me like a tall order until I started coming across parenting blogs that share some very useful ideas, such as this great post from One Perfect Day about helping children as young as 4 years old manage their own screen time. Each day, this mother gives her toddler 9 cards that each represent 10 minute segments of screen time. With a few rules, her son has been able to regulate his own time playing Angry Birds on her tablet, with fewer struggles when his time was up.

What ideas and resources do you have for helping children desire good behavior and instilling self-discipline in children? Please share them in the comments.  

*This post contains affiliate links. That means if you choose to purchase the book mentioned in the blog, I will get a commission if you click through my links. I will never post an affiliate link to a book unless I have read it myself, found it useful, and worth sharing.